Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize