you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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