Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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