I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
