I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
