I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
