when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
