how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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