she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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