my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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