My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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