on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
