I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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