Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
