Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
