Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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