Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
