Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
