Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
