I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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