Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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