i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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