How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My cat gives me a boner
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Randomize
