I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
