The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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