just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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