my sisters under your porch take her home
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize