dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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