i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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