coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
