I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
