Only a mothe r could love this liver
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
