I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
