Fine. I'll sleep in my office
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
