who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
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