u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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