Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
