Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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