I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
