I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
