3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I don't deserve a penis
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
