My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
