She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
