If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
