Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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