Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
