Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
