hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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