she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
