Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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