I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
