I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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