you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
