Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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