He uses pillows to masturbate.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
