Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
