just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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