Sponge bath it is.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
