when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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