I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Text me some of your sweat
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