I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
