textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
