So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
