well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
