shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
