It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
